Tamara Fyke 
In this 2018 column, Tamara Fyke of Love In A Big World explains why a student who tests a teacher’s limits may be showing that the relationship is working, and offers three practical tips for setting boundaries. The section below, added in 2026, looks at what research says about building relationships with students and how that fits with clear classroom limits.
This summer I was leading a staff check-in at YMCA Camp Widjiwagan in Nashville, Tennessee. One of the twentysomething male leaders asked a question: “I’ve been focusing on building relationships with the boys in my group, but one of the boys was hitting me on the back of my head. What do I do about that?” He gave me a sincere yet incredulous look.
I smiled and nodded my head. “It sounds like it’s working.”
His countenance communicated his disbelief. I heard him say, “What are you thinking, lady?” without even saying a word.
“Let me explain,” I continued. “This boy is testing the boundaries with you. He wants to see how far he can go.”
Rethinking What Respect Means
I’ve heard this concern in different words from other educators over the years. The underlying question seems to be: “If my students get to know me, will they still respect me?”
It’s important to start with unpacking what we mean by the word respect. If you are implicitly defining respect as keeping silent and doing everything you say the first time, because they don’t want to be punished, then I encourage you to consider another job. The days of “children should be seen and not heard” are over. When our society embraced social media, we also embraced giving voice to the previously voiceless. The fourth wall has dropped between brand and consumer, screen and viewer, teacher and student. To continue to stifle the voices of children is to operate out of fear and control.
Instead, what if we choose to operate out of love ― to do whatever it takes to let each person in the building know that they are seen and known ― that they belong? Our understanding of respect would be much different, wouldn’t it? Respect is valuing ourselves and others.
When we value something, such as a family heirloom, it means we bestow worth onto that object. Oftentimes it is not the object itself that has great dollar value. A handmade holiday ornament has worth because it was passed down from generation to generation, not because a lot of money was spent buying it. What if we give ourselves permission to see the worth of each one of our students? How would that value revelation change our practice?
Taking the extra step to let our students know that we are more alike than different helps build relationships. Sharing age-appropriate stories about our school days, family life, athletic or artistic accomplishments lets our students know that they are not alone in their struggles. Growing up is not easy. They can take a cue from the lessons we learned. We give them permission to be human with us, with each other, and with themselves.
We may not be celebrities, but we are role models for our kids ― everyday heroes. They are learning by our example. Therefore, it is not unusual for them to test boundaries with us. In fact, it’s a good sign that they are starting to open up. As our relationships are developing, what they need to know is that we are bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind. We’ve got them! They need to know we are a safe place for them to share their hearts.
The Difference Between Value and Authority
There is a difference between value and authority. Each and every individual has inestimable value. I am not worth more than my students because of my age, education, or skin color. However, I am an adult who has been given a special job to do to help them learn and grow. My right and power to impart knowledge and give direction is because I’ve lived longer and I’ve learned a lot along the way. Therefore, I need not be afraid if a student is unhappy with me because I remind him of appropriate boundaries.
Tips for Establishing Boundaries and Building Relationships
Here are a few quick tips for establishing boundaries and building relationships:
1.) Adopt three simple rules – boundaries – and reinforce them, especially at the start of class meetings or sharing circles, such as:
- I will listen when someone is talking because I may learn something.
- I will use my hands, feet, and words to build up and not tear down.
- I will work as a member of my team.
2.) Remind your students regularly that you are a safe place for them. Show you are a safe place by staying calm and using an even tone of voice, especially when students are upset.
3.) Listen. When students speak, listen to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Read between the lines. Invite students who do not feel as comfortable talking in front of their peers to write letters to you or start a conversation journal with them – a special journal for the two of you to talk through what is going on in their world.
Hear more from Tamara Fyke of Love In A Big World at the 2019 Future of Education Technology Conference in Orlando, Florida, January 27-30. Tamara will be a featured panelist for the analyst session, Insights for Supporting SEL with EdTech, January 29 at 2 p.m.
Editor’s note (2026): This event has taken place.
- edCircuit – Tamara Fyke Columns
- Forbes – The Realities Of How Emotional Intelligence Is Improved And Applied
- New York Times – Elite New York High Schools to Offer 1 in 5 Slots to Those Below Cutoff
Building relationships with students: what the research says in 2026
Tamara Fyke began the column with a camp leader who asked what to do when a boy in the group hit the leader on the back of the head despite the leader’s work on building relationships. Fyke’s answer was that the boy was testing a boundary and that testing is a normal part of a developing relationship. Teachers ask a version of the same question each year, and research since 2018 gives more detail on why relationships matter and how they sit alongside limits.
How strong is the evidence for building relationships with students?
The most complete recent summary is a 2025 second-order review by Valentin Emslander and colleagues in Psychological Bulletin. A second-order review gathers earlier meta-analyses. This one covered 26 meta-analyses, 119 effect sizes and about 2.64 million students from pre-kindergarten to twelfth grade. It found large, significant links between teacher-student relationships and eight groups of outcomes: academic achievement, academic emotions, appropriate behavior, behavior problems, executive functions and self-control, motivation, school belonging and engagement, and well-being. The link with bullying was only marginally significant, and the relationship was stronger for middle and high school students than for younger students. The authors also report that more recent meta-analyses met more quality criteria without this changing the strength of the relationships.
It is important to say what such a review can and cannot show. A review of this kind reports associations, so its results show that good relationships go together with better outcomes. They do not by themselves show that improving a relationship will cause a student’s grades to rise. Still, the pattern is consistent across a very large number of students, and the age finding is practical: the association was stronger for middle and high school students than for younger students, so relationships should not be treated as a concern only for the early grades.
Where boundaries fit
Fyke argues that value and authority are different things. Each student has worth, and the adult has a role in giving direction. Research on classroom management points the same way. A 2016 meta-analysis by Hanke Korpershoek and colleagues in Review of Educational Research covered 54 studies of primary education from 2003 to 2013 and found small positive effects of classroom management programs on most student outcomes, with programs that focused on social and emotional development contributing most. A 2012 chapter by Chip Espinoza in New Directions for Teaching and Learning argues that rapport can coexist with academic rigor and can help students and teachers feel respected while boundaries are set and adjusted. A 2014 article in Phi Delta Kappan by Stephanie Jones, Rebecca Bailey and Robin Jacob names strong relationships, planning, alignment with the school environment and ongoing observation as principles of effective management. These sources are summaries and a program description, and none of them tests Fyke’s three rules directly, but together they support Fyke’s claim that warmth and structure are partners.
What the school connection adds
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports in its summary of the 2023 Youth Risk Behavior Survey that feeling connected to school and family can protect adolescents from poor mental health and other risks. Its full 2023 results add that Black students were more likely than White and Hispanic students to report unfair discipline, and that unfair discipline was associated with poor mental health. This is a reason for a school to be consistent when limits are applied, so that every student can see the same rules enforced in the same way.
What a teacher or leader can do
- Pick two or three simple class rules, state them positively and return to them often, as Fyke’s examples show. Fyke suggests doing so at the start of class meetings or sharing circles.
- When a student tests a limit, restate the rule calmly and privately where possible, and avoid making the response a contest of authority.
- Offer a way for quieter students to be heard, such as the letters or conversation journals Fyke describes.
- Apply rules in the same way to every student, and look at discipline records by student group to check that this happens.
School leaders can support teachers by training new staff on how to respond when students test limits, and by checking that rules are applied consistently across classrooms.
For more, see edCircuit’s Social-Emotional Learning Guide.
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